Updated: Dec 3, 2018
What a better first blog post than my story so you can get to know me a little?
«Don’t live the same day over and over again and call that a life. Life is about evolving mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.»
As I was writing this story, I realized how dark it can sounds and trust me, it was. However, I want to take the moment to say this before you start reading: some people don't have parents, some didn't have the chance to grow up feeling loved, and more. I love my parents and I wouldn't be the human I am now without them. I wouldn't have the balls to accept myself either. This said, I will tell my story from my point of view at the time it happened. I am aware of the chance I have to have my family and I don't want anybody to think or feel like my text is saying otherwise.
I grew up in the suburbs, in a loving family and without any problems, a perfect little family some would say. I've had a better childhood than I could have ever dreamed of. My life changed when my parents got divorced. They divorced in a peaceful way but for me, my view of my family was changing and I didn't know how to express it. I was seven years old and, at this age, you are supposed to play with other kids right? Well, I became more and more introvert and began to read adult books because it was my only way to escape. As a child, you don’t understand a lot of things. You don’t understand why your parents are crying, why you want to be alone… so I started to get bullied. I was different. I was reading books instead of playing outside. I was crying instead of smiling. I was sad. I was gaining weight. I was eating more and more. I cut my hair. It got worst. Children are sometimes to most adorable but they can also be the most evil. It never stopped.
When I was around 9 years old, I saw my father’s dumbbells in the living room. I was so alone that these dumbbells became my friends. I had no idea whatsoever of what I was doing, but it was working. At this time, I was not aware of my genetic, so I didn’t noticed the changes. I gained strength and muscles so fast, for a young girl, that the kids, all of them, noticed it. It got worst. I was now being called a boy, an ugly person, a fat pig and all the names they could find to kill me inside. At such a young age, I discovered my passion for fitness, but I stopped because of them. I just wanted to be accepted. They killed me inside. They took away my only escape, and I didn’t get accepted anyway. I have always been the ‘’different kid’’. I got my first suicidal thoughts.
At thirteen years old, I started taking pictures and posting them online. I went from 50 Facebook friends to 25 000 followers in only two months. It saved me because for once, I was being told I was beautiful and people knew who I was. Everything in my life was falling appart... but I was important online. Thinking I was pretty now, I started to chat with guys online. I met one. I was so naive that I was assaulted and abused by a guy three years older than me, thinking it was normal. I told my friends, well I thought they were... Until they said it to everyone at school and to other schools. I got into depression. I tried to kill myself three times, in two months, at thirteen years old. I had to change school because the bullying got so bad that I was now being called a whore because my friends told everyone. I was also called so many other bad words, but I could not handle it anymore. When I changed school, some girls decided that they did not like me without even knowing me and so they beat me and told everyone and myself that they were going to kill me, for fun. It never ever stopped in more than eleven years. At thirteen years old, I got abused. I only wanted to be loved and secure but I was abused instead. At this time, I have never had any real friends, or friends, or a real lover, I only got fatter and fatter.
At sixteen, I got into my first road rage car accident. A guy stopped me in the middle of the road for no reason, got out of his car and tried to break my window to kill me, but he didn’t succeed. I ended up at the hospital. The doctor gave me 10 pills to take per day, to wake up, survive the day without freaking out, to go back to sleep, and repeat. I broke up with the only guy who ever loved me, and I have ever loved. I could not love myself, I could not handle it. I lost 30 pounds in the first month, and now people began to compliment me. How sexy I was (sexy isn't a compliment, but when all you ever heard from people your age is that your ugly... it kind of become one), how leaner I was, wow. I lost 35 pounds the second month. People were asking me: Hey Cam, how are you losing this much weight? It is incredible! You are so beautiful now. How… you want to know the secret? I stopped eating. It’s been 9 years now that I am being called a fat pig, a cunt, a whore, a fatty, an obese, and a disgusting fat pig. Now that I am tiny as a kid, I am beautiful? Now that you see my bones, I am beautiful? Now that I am starving, I am beautiful? I will never understand humans… I was starving my way to death but now, after 12 years of being bullied, starving was the way to be accepted?
No one knew. No one knows. Months were passing. My father saw how weak I was, and he brought me into a gym. This day, he saved my life. This day, he gave me faith, hope. This day, he gave me back what kids stole me 10 years ago. All this suffering, all of this pain became my motive. It became my fire. I dropped out of college five months later, and got my personal trainer certification and registered my company as an online personal trainer. I spent hours and hours learning about the human body, its functions, the hormones, food, etc. (I Still Do). I was 90 pounds when he brought me in the gym. 10 months after, I was 165 pounds of muscles at 10% body fat by myself.
He turned my life around without even knowing it.
It might seems weird but, I am grateful for this life. I am grateful for this suffering, for all this pain. I have been through hell; so many times… I’ve touched a lot of things I shouldn't have. I trusted a lot of people who tried to destroy me, who wished me dead. However, this is how I became myself.
Pain is like water. It finds a way to push through any seal and there is no way to stop it. Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it before you can learn how to swim to the surface. Life is beautiful and is worth living.
I am currently twenty years old. Twenty years old feeling like thirty. Sixty sometimes. I have a sixty years old way of living. I go to bed around 8pm, with my cat, take a lot of mints and enjoy playing cards and boards games. I grew up a following on different platforms and, as funny as it seems, the majority of my bullies are now looking up to me. They are apologizing, they follow me, they ask me questions, and they tell me how much I changed their world and how inspiring I am. They built me. I have always wanted to be muscular; I am now, because of them.
I forgive but I never forget. I have moved on and I am learning from my past. I don't believe it is worth it to keep negative energy towards people or events.
Life will put you through hell… if you are able to survive, you will grow stronger and more mature. Life has plans for you and if it has to make you suffer in order for you to achieve them, it will. The bravest thing I’ve done was continuing my life when I wanted to die, so many times. But as I always say; if you throw me to the wolves, I will return leading the pack. Being a girl doing ‘’mens things’’ is often, well too often, seen as negative. Being ‘’too muscular’’ is seen as being a man, as not being beautiful. I want to change that. At twenty years old, only two years of training, I am now part of Team Mutant, became a certified personal trainer, writing a book and working to change the world. I want to have an impact, I want to become an inspiration for others.
Some people fear fire and some become it. I chose to become it, and let it rage!
Now I will finish by saying this: when life gives you lemon, ask for salmon and rice and eat that meal and go train!
Thank you for reading,
Blondy Beast Fit